It is not easy to say goodbye, I have done it a lot. You leave! You depart from what is known and comfortable. You leave friends, family, love, belonging. You go out in to the uncertain and the new, you leave yourself open to winds that can blow you anywhere, this why I do it is it not? I can only stay so long, then I need to go, to see the new and experience that wind. I wish I could stay longer to say “OK this is where I will make a stand and relax a bit”, but I have to move, it is not my final resting place. It is a feeling, not a desire. It is inherent at least with in me. I did not create it or wish it. I am curious. I never feel I fit in somewhere and I am always searching for that next view around the corner. So, to go is not always a bad thing, it clears out the old and the used, and it lets the new in and the freshness to start again, to say “cut” and to “paste” later on, to let the time heal and the space balm the hurt. When I cross the door again, the same door I left months ago, then all is new, fresh and ready to start again.
But parting is hard, I have never gotten used to it, I always hurt when I say Goodbye.
I have been busy the past few days editing past photos and videos and putting them on to utube, editing my Myspace pages and now creating this blog. What for? some people I know do not understand this activity. I guess it is to meet others, like minded people. Recently I applied for a job and realized I have very little to put on my CV in the way of work! But, I am busy all the time, I realized what i do it can not be documented in the normal conventional ways, yet it should be documented to show what I do to others, as we are not Islands, are we?
By doing these http://www.sites I am dissecting myself, sorting out myself, compartmentalizing who I am and having to think about who I am and what I am. One of the worst questions to ask me is “What do you do?” I never know what to say! What do I do? I am busy, very busy. This question was asked the Dalai Lama once and he replied “I am taking care of myself”.
When I left school at 16 I knew what I wanted to be, but in the late 1970s life was not so open as it is now. I wanted to play music, but in 1979, UK jobs – professional music jobs, were not recognized, it was a small business then. So I started to join bands and make my own music. I started to busk and I found I could make a little money.
Later on I started playing the Northumbrian Small Pipes, a bellows blown bagpipe from the NE of England, I joined more bands and I got good at my craft. In the 90s I did it full time and I started to do concerts and to sell my CDs. But in my mind it was never a ´job´ as in my ´1970s culture´ it was nver a proper job!
Then, busking was “begging”, to a lot of people, and often I was called a beggar back then. Now the times and attitudes have changed.
now I consider what I do a job! I sell my Cds and I live by it, occasionally I do concerts and Festivals, it is not great money, and each week it is different but it is a job and it is enjoyable.
If you want to see my playing the Northumbrian Small Pipes check out the utube web site at http://www.youtube.com/user/kevnsp
Life seems very compartmentalized at the moment I think this is to do with environments and transport. I do not drive I never have done and I have no interest in it, so I take public transport or I cycle every where. I do this because of choice and in the West we are obsessed by choice. In the USA I did not go very far unless someone took me to places, I did not drive and the public transport around Florida was limited. but in the UK we have a public transport system of sorts. But i prefer to cycle and i cycle often quite far sometimes to get to places. This structures life, it divides your day in to sections and now it is dividing weeks into sections. One day it is to the sea, the other day to the city, the next day back to the sea etc. Or I travel abroad and then I ‘stop’ my life and begin another life, one that is not my choosing as I change environments again and I become someone else again. Life has always been like that for me always moving from place to place.